Good health is a pretty crappy substitute for wealth, if you ask me…oh well.

I went through a phase where I only listened to instrumental post-rock and Scandinavian death metal.  I would like to apologize to my roommates.

Welcome to the conclusion of Gimorozo’s exclusive interview with former V.E.N.O.M. leader Miles Mayhem.  Click here if you missed Part 1 of this interview.

Gimorozo: What was it like, competing with other terrorist organizations for toy sales?

MM: Ah, man, it was tough.  I mean there were tons of us out there.  There were the obvious ones like uh the Decepticons; um, whatever Skeletor’s posse was called; there was…man it’s been so long [laughs]

Gimorozo: Cobra

MM: Yeah.  Man, I hate those guys.  Bunch of self-righteous jerks.  You wanna hear a story?  Ok, this is 100% true, man.  You know the AVRs?  [editor's note: Animated Villains Reunion]  Ok, well, they’ve been holding them every couple of years since, I don’t know ‘95, ‘96.  Somewhere around there.  Anyway, you wanna know how many times me, or anyone from V.E.N.O.M.’s been invited?  Guess.  Yeah, none times.

So, at first, I was like, you know, whatever, it’s just a get-together for losers to reminisce.  You know what?  My life’s good, I don’t need that anyway.  I mean, I realize V.E.N.O.M. wasn’t one of the most popular terrorist organizations of the times.  It wasn’t our fault.  I mean, we had to fight Matt Tracker and that bunch of wet blankets–man, what a bunch of punks.  Anyway, I wasn’t too bummed about it.  But then, one night in like ‘04, I was out drinking with Saw Boss and he mentions to me that he got invited to that year’s AVR.  And I’m like, “What?  Saw Boss got invited and I didn’t?”  I mean, seriously, Saw Boss is cool and all, but for him to get invited and not me?  Talk about a slap in the face!  So, I call up Mon*Star and am complaining to him and guess what: he had gotten invited too!  I called, I don’t know, 5 or 6 more bosses from the 80’s and, like, all of them were invited!  So, I’m thinking, ok, my invitation’s in the mail, I’ll get it any day.  Never comes.  I figure, whatever, I’ll show up anyway.  I mean, they all know me, right?  I get there, my name’s not on the list.  I can’t get in.  It took some digging, but after a while I found out why: the AVRs are planned by a standing committee.  Do you know what that means?  A standing committee is permanent, no elections, it’s always these guys.  There’s three people on the committee: Mumm-Ra, Destro, and Serpentor.  Yeah, Cobra’s got the deck stacked in representation.  Who knows how that happened.

Gimorozo: So why wouldn’t Cobra want you there?

MM: Aw, those guys were always mad that I used the name “V.E.N.O.M.”  Oh, I’m sorry, I didn’t realize there was a, uh, a law or something that limits how many terrorist organizations can use poisonous snake based names.  Whatever.  Besides, I came up with that name in like, high school.  I just didn’t copyright it then–didn’t even think about it, y’know?  So then “Cobra”’s a famous name and they claim that “V.E.N.O.M.”’s like, derivative or some nonsense.  And besides that, I didn’t even think of calling it “V.E.N.O.M.”  I thought–I was in English class, ok?  Planning my future–I thought, hey, I’ll start a terrorist organization and call it “Vicious Evil Network of Mayhem,” ok?  It was Andy Tracker, actually, who started calling it “V.E.N.O.M.”  I never would’ve even thought of that!

So, yeah.  If freakin’ Cobra hadn’t spent so much time in litigation with us, they probably would’ve gotten rid of those Joes in no time.  I even offered to help them.  I was like–this was a phone call to Cobra Commander–I said, “Hey, let’s join forces, ok?  We can be ‘Cobra-V.E.N.O.M.’  I’ll help you guys take out the Joes, you help us take out the M.A.S.K. guys.”  And Cobra Commander’s all whiny like a girl and starts, like, yelling at me because I’m using the name V.E.N.O.M. and I just hung up on him.  That guy is such a tool.  We really could of helped too.  I mean, my freakin’ helicopter could turn into a jet!  What could Cobra’s weapons do?  Nothing, they sucked!  Ugh, that stuff still pisses me off.

And, hey, just so you know something about Destro: it’s a mask.  That’s not his real head.  I don’t even know why he wears that stupid thing; it’s not like it’s cool or anything.  I think it was just to try and one-up Cobra Commander–who is totally normal-looking, by the way.  No need for the mask.  My mask?  It shot freakin’ acid.  Man, I hate those guys!

So concludes our exclusive interview.  Good bye.

Here’s hoping you stay away from the contaminated turkey, lest you become a turkey-headed monster like…the BLOOD FREAK!!!

“I am a success today because I had a giant space-turtle who believed in me and I didn’t have the heart to let him down.” -President Abraham Lincoln.

Abraham Lincoln is the first Kenny in recorded history.  Lincoln met Gamera at the age of 11 while he was still living in Illinois.  Years later, President Lincoln would call on his friend to help him.  Gamera was quite instrumental in the North’s campaign against the Confederacy during the American Civil War.  Most historians agree that without Gamera’s help, the South would have succeeded in seceding.

I hate Julianne and Derek Hough. If I could…I’d get Odin, Thor, Loki, the Valkyries and even Auðumbla, the cosmic cow, to bring the thunder and magic hammer and destroy them. Lenny Kravitz has saved them two express seats on the rocket ship to the sun. They can dance and sing in hell.

-Ian’s Mom

P.S. I like this site.

Since we are a world-famous blog, Gimorozo gets to try out all sorts of new, cutting-edge technology.  The latest trial product we received is the Samsung Time-Travel Phone.  It lets you call anyone in the past or future.  Unfortunately, it doesn’t work on the present.  To try it out, I decided to call myself from 15 years ago.  Below is the transcript from that conversation.

Past Me: Hello?
Present Me: Hey, what’s up?
Past Me: Who is this?
Present Me: It’s me!  Or you…I don’t know, it’s both of us.  That is to say, I’m you in the present, well, actually the future for you, I guess.
Past Me: What?  Is this Tim?
Present Me: No, this is you.  I’m calling from 15 years in the future.
Past Me: Sweet, is this for real?  So I’m working at some cool high-tech place, huh?
Present Me: No…not really.
Past Me: Oh.  So this technology is just used by everyone?  Sweet!  So, you are a marine biologist, huh?  Are you living in an underwater dome or something? That’s awesome!
Present Me: No, I–you never became a marine biologist.  Actually, in a few years, you’ll think that’s kinda dumb anyway.  I mean, who cares about fish, right?
Past Me: Great!  So I do become a paleontologist!  That’s what I really wanted to do, but I thought marine biologist sounded more practical.
Present Me: No…
Past Me: Secret agent?
Present Me: No.
Past Me: Yeah, right.  You probably just can’t tell me, right?  Cuz you’d have to kill me or whatever?
Present Me: No.  Not a secret agent, I–
Past Me: A writer?  Comic books?  Don’t tell me–I’ll bet I write and draw my own monthly series.  Who is it?  Is it U.F.O. [ed note: that stands for Unidentified Fighting Object--he was an alien who defended earth from stuff...]?  That is so cool!  Or is it the Elemental Team [ed note: they all had powers associated with the elements...hey, I was 10]  Mom said that was an unrealistic goal and I had to stay in school.  Ha!  We showed her, huh?
Present Me: No.
Past Me: Or–what?
Present Me: No!
Past Me: Well, then, what do you do?  Do you do anything cool?
Present Me: Well, I do write a blog…
Past Me: What’s that?  It sounds cool.  Pretty important stuff, huh?
Present Me: Actually, nobody reads it.  It’s really more of a hobby…
Past Me: Then what do you do for a living?  Anything?
Present Me: I, uh, I make lawnmowers.
Past Me: …
Present Me: Hello?  Are you still there?
Past Me: Yeah…look, I, uh…I gotta go do…something…
Present Me: Aw, c’mon man!  You just gonna blow me off?  You don’t wanna know something about the future?
Past Me: Like what!?  That I grow up to be a loser?  Way to make my day!
Present Me: Aw, c’mon, loser is kinda harsh, man…Hey, you know what?  Let me figure out the conference call on this thing and I’ll call future-us, ok?  We’ll see what we’re up to 15 years in the future.  That could be cool, right?  Ok, hold on…
Future Me: Who is this?
Present Me: Hey, dude!  It’s me and you!
Future Me: What?
Present Me: It’s you from 15 years ago and I’ve also got you from 30 years ago.  How sweet is that!  So…what’re you up to?
Future Me: Curses!  You’ve finally found a way into my mind!  But how?  I never drank the water!  How?
Present Me: Whoa, dude.  What are you talking about?  I’m you.  I didn’t get into your mind or whatever.  We’re cool, ok?
Future Me: Yeah?  Prove it.
Present Me: …how?
Future Me: If you were really me, you’d know how.
Past Me: Fifteen years ago, you were a dork who made lawnmowers.
Present Me: Hey!
Future Me: …Ok, I guess you are me.  But look, man, this isn’t really a great time, I mean…how’d you even get my number?  I’ve been living off the grid for years now…Oh, no–you’re working for them, aren’t you?
Present Me: Dude, I’m you.  Why would I be working against you?
Future Me: I can’t believe this.  Betrayed by myself.  Are you kidding me?  I betrayed myself?  What a jerk!
Past Me: Who’s “them?”  Am I a freaking criminal?  Are you serious?
Present Me: Nah, I’m sure there’s a logical explanation…right?
Future Me: Kind of…it’s hard to–What?!  Who’s there?  Ah!!!  They found me.  You did this!
Present Me: What?  No, I didn’t.
Future Me: You jerk–I don’t know what you did, but…[to someone in the room] You’ll never take me alive!  Agh!!!!
Present Me: Hello?
Future Me: [different voice on the phone--definitely not mine] We have destroyed your human compatriot.  Turn yourself in, Earthling!
Past Me: Are you aliens?
Future Me: Death to all humans…[phone goes dead]
Past Me: …
Present Me: Wow…hey, look, I’m sorry about that.  Wow.  That sucks.
Past Me: Yeah…look, I gotta go.  Um, don’t, uh, don’t call me again, ok?
Present Me: Yeah, I won’t.  That was a bad idea.  Sorry.  Look, uh, stay in school, ok?  And um…well, I guess I’ll see you later?

This phone sucks.  I definitely do not recommend it.

I have never listened to “Kid A” or “OK Computer.”

Welcome to the first half of our exclusive, two-part interview with Miles Mayhem, the notorious terrorist leader of V.E.N.O.M.  We caught up with Mister Mayhem at the office of his currenet project, CoiNebula.

Gimorozo: Good evening, Mister Mayhem.  It’s been 20 years since the dissolution of V.E.N.O.M., what have you been up to since then?

Miles Mayhem: Well, let’s see…I got back into real estate immediately following that; I did that for maybe ten or twelve years here in Lincoln, Nebraska.  I liked that alright, but you know what?  I always wanted to be my own boss.  I missed those days where I was the leader of a terrorist organization.  I made my own hours, took vacation days when I wanted, it was great.  So, after a couple of years of putting together a business plan and getting some investors, I quit my real estate job and started my own company.  It’s called CoiNebula.  You’ve probably seen our machines in your local grocery store or wherever.  Anyway, it’s–what you do is, you take all that loose change you acquire, right?  Well, you take all that and you dump it into one of our machines and it gives you back the money, but in different coins!  So, like for example: you have three quarters and a nickel, ok?  Right?  Well, you put that in and it’ll give you–I don’t know–five dimes, eight pennies and a different nickel.

Gimorozo: But that’s only 63 cents…and you put in 80 cents, right?

MM: Right, but, c’mon, we gotta make money.  So, that’s a, uh, a “service fee” or whatever.  Anyway, it’s not been doing that great lately.  The economy and all.  The pay was a lot better with V.E.N.O.M., but I have good dental now.  That was one thing I learned, man.  When I started V.E.N.O.M., we were all young and crazy, so we didn’t have health insurance, right?  Who needed it?  We didn’t have, uh, 401ks.  We didn’t have matching uniforms.  None of that stuff that a good company should, y’know?  So when I started CoiNebula I was like, “this time, I’m doing it right,” y’know?  “This time, I’m living the high life.”  So, I got all that stuff.  Life’s good.  It is.

Gimorozo: You bring up V.E.N.O.M.  What was it like to be in the middle of the 80’s 30-minute long animated toy commercial scene?  That must have been something.

MM: Yeah, I mean, it was really cool sometimes.  But other times, it was a pain.  For example, I had all these great plots to take out M.A.S.K. and all, but I always had to cut it down to 30 minutes.  Actually, not even, it’s only 22 minutes if you count commercials!  Which was something that always irritated the fire out me: we were nothing but a commercial to sell action figures, but we still had to take commercial breaks.  Seriously?

But, anyway, 22 minutes to somehow execute an evil plot.  You can’t work under those conditions but so long before it really starts to get to you.  And the other thing that really pissed me off was that I wasn’t allowed to kill any of the good guys.  Now, you tell me how I’m supposed to take over the world without killing the people opposing me?  Ain’t gonna happen.  It’s just not.  And besides that, I never really wanted to take over the world, I would have been totally content with being the despotic leader of some third-world country.  But no, the writers always insisted that I try to take over the world.  In 22 minutes.  Without killing anybody.  Morons.

Check back later in the week for the conclusion of this riveting interview with former V.E.N.O.M. boss, Miles Mayhem where he discusses other 80’s cartoon bad guys.

Presentation: 0/10

Seriously?  I realize it’s a hamburger, you don’t really need to label it as such.  The real tragedy is that I just paid big money for this burger and it’s wrapped in a normal hamburger wrapper.  No box, no special wrapper, no holograms.  Boo.

Appearance: 5/10

Ok, definitely not as awesome looking in real life as in the commercials, but that’s to be expected.  Nothing special, nothing too nasty.  But I can already tell that this thing is gonna be decidedly messy.  And it kinda smells funny too…

Taste: 7/10

I like mushrooms just as much as the next guy.  I also realize that a hamburger called the “Gourmet Mushroom Swissburger” may have some amount of mushrooms on it.  But the mushrooms are overwhelming…along with the salt.  And honestly, if you can’t taste the ground up bovine, why bother?  In fact, why bother putting the bacon, swiss cheese, lettuce, and tomato on it?  All those tasty extras wasted by a mushroom taste strong enough to peel the skin off your tongue.  Oh the humanity!  On top of that, the mushrooms ooze their mushroomy water all over the place.  It’s messy, and not a finger-licking-good kind of messy.

Overall: 5/10

Not that impressive, Wendy–and I’m really not that picky of an eater.  But if I’m going to shell out 4 bucks on a sandwich, it would help if it tasted better than a sponge soaked in old soy sauce.  It seems like Wendy needs to look up the word “gourmet.”