Bringing a can of whoop-ass to a bar fight is all well and good.  Just don’t forget your can opener or you’ll be looking pretty stupid.

The two most defining features of Japanese culture are ninjas and odd poetry (the third being cartoon characters with big boobs).  Being the culturally relevant site that we are, Gimorozo has decided to combine those first two features into one article that may well change the course of human history.

We have commissioned three senryū from three different ninjas.  These works are intended to give the non-ninja a look into the world of the ninja.  They are presented below in their raw and brutal forms.  There has been no censorship nor editing of these works of art.  Please proceed with caution, as they are not for the faint of heart.

In case you are not as cultured as we are, we will tell you that a senryū has a very similar structure to a haiku, but it tends to be more personal and not about nature.

Without further ado, the senryū:

I am a ninja
I will kill your stupid face
With a shuriken

Ninjas eat pirates
For a mid-afternoon snack
And fish for supper

Ninjas are so freakin’ hardcore
That we can do whatever we want
Tell me this isn’t a senryū and I will hunt you down
Don’t mess with me, I’m a ninja

I never got into The Who until CSI came out.

I never even heard of Nick Drake until the Volkswagon commercial…

“Government is not reason; it is not eloquence; it is force! Like evil robots, it is a dangerous servant and a fearful master.” -President George Washington

George Washington was a huge proponent of automating the US Army.  In fact, he is often credited with inventing the first pilot-less mecha.  It was steam-powered and not very efficient, but it did instill fear into the hearts of the invading Martian hordes.

You can’t be an environmentalist and an evil genius.  You have to make a choice: save Mother Nature or take over the world and turn it into a post-apocalyptic reflection of your barren soul.

You know who you are *cough* Evil *cough* David *sneeze* *cough*

I’m sure you’ll make us all proud.

Everybody knows that ninjas are the highest-ranking of all humanity.  In fact, the first 17 presidents of the USA were all ninjas.  It was also a prerequisite for joining the priesthood in the early Catholic church. 

However, most people do not realize that there is a strict hierarchy of ninjaism.  We have compiled that hierarchy for your education:

Ninja Animal: Ninja animals are the lowest rung on the ladder of ninjaism.  But, even within this division there are subdivisions based on animal type.  Rabbits are at the bottom and turtles are the highest ranking of the ninja animals.

Ninja Cannibal: Mostly found in the jungles of Central and South America, these are cannibals who use rudimentary ninja skills in order to hunt their prey.  Since their main focus is on eating people and not on honing their ninja skills, they are fairly clumsy.  The most common defense from these types of ninjas is to cover yourself in feces, as it completely ruins your taste.

Just Plain Ninja: Definitely the most common type of ninja.  The Just Plain Ninjas mostly live in Japan.  In fact, the word “JaPaN” is an acronym for Just Plain Ninjas with a couple of vowels thrown in to make pronunciation easier.  1 out of every 3 Japanese people is a ninja.  The other two are ninjas-in-training.

Cannibal Ninja: No, that is not a typo.  The Cannibal Ninja differs greatly from the Ninja Cannibal in that he focuses most of his energy on his ninja skills.  He absorbs his enemies’ powers by consuming their flesh.  He also has a steady regimen of vitamins and dietary supplements.

Space Ninja: These are ninjas from space.  Depending on where they come from they may have an assortment of additional powers such as super-strength, super-hearing, heat vision, ice breath, flight or any combination of the above.  They are usually susceptible to radiation given off by green rocks.

Cyber Ninja: Cybernetically Enhanced Ninjas, more commonly known as “Cyber Ninjas,” are ninjas that are cybernetically enhanced.  As with many of the classes in this list, there are several subclasses.  The weakest subclass is the Pacemaker Ninja.  The strongest subclass is the Rocket Launcher for Arms Ninja.  If facing one of the latter, there is nothing you can do but soil your pants and die.

Undead Ninja: Also known as Ninja from Beyond the Grave!!! (exlamation points are mandatory), these are ninjas that were dead but have come back to life.  They can either be resurrected to make right whatever agony and sorrow they carried with them to their grave, or they can be resurrected through voodoo to collect overdue movie rental fees.

Undead Cybernetic Cannibal Space Ninjas from Beyond the Grave!!!: Although one has never been spotted in the wild (at least, that anyone has lived to tell about), some mathematicians theorize that the existance of such a ninja is possible given the right environment.  Of course, such a creature would be so deadly that it could destroy civilization just through sheer will power.

This is what happens when you spend too much time watching TV.  You become an expressionless sad-sack with a hook for a hand.  Let this be a warning to all of you.

This is an excellent example of a wrap-around piece.  This is the same cup, but the artwork extends past the field of view and the entire piece cannot be viewed without turning the cup.

If you’re a swamp dwelling ninja like me, you have major issues with oxidation on your instruments of death.  Luckily, we ninjas now have Evapo-Rust.  As you can see, this product will remove rust from your ninja stars and your firearms!  Sweet!

Oh, Evapo-Rust, where have you been all my life?

Ok, I have absolutely no idea why I felt the need to write “Blood Freak” above the Blood Freak, but I did.  Probably so I didn’t get him confused with any other turkey-headed psycho killer that was poorly drawn on a styrofoam cup.

I recently discovered a fun little time waster called Robokill. The game is simple. Move your little robotic death bringer around and destroy everything you can.

You can see from the instructions at the bottom of the first image. The keyboard controls the movement and the mouse controls the blasting.

As with all games, the farther you advance the stronger your enemies. Therefore you need to proceed to the store and upgrade your firepower.

Collect money to upgrade your weapons and rain down high-powered death upon your enemies. Shield regeneration items are added to the legs while the guns are added to the arms and shoulders.

In later levels, you can find weapons with special features such as: elemental attacks, increase damage capabilities, etc

Overall…nothing really new…but very enjoyable…you can easily waste a lot of time playing Robokill and that is a win-win situation.

Find the game here.