Tomatoes are the plant kingdom’s equivalent of the  uncle who only visits on holidays. 

Sure, they have all sorts of stories about hanging out in salads along with the carrots and broccolli and other vegetables; but deep down, everybody knows they’re a fruit.

I had my first celebrity crush at the age of six…it was Cher.

You remember your mom always warning you to stay away from those kangaroos from the wrong side of the tracks?  Well, this is one of them.

His name is Ernie and that’s what upsets him most in life.  He wanted a tough-sounding name like Clyde or Keanu.  So, he rebelled against his parents and became a street thug with a chain.  Of course, his parents are upset and have tried to reconcile with him, but it’s too late.  Just look at his eyes (well, you can only see one, but rest assure, he has another eye on the other side of his head).

It’s a dangerous world out there, full of disenfranchised kangaroo youth.

We figured that today would be a great day to introduce a new ongoing series: Best Movie Ever!

Best Movie Ever! movies are the cream of the crop.  These are the movies that every manly man and/or super-geek must see.  We decided that, in honor of The King’s birthday, we would kick things off with Bubba Ho-Tep.

Who’s in it: Bruce Campbell, Ossie Davis
What it’s about: Elvis, JFK, mummy
Best line: (Elvis) “Look, man, do I look like an ichthyologist to you? Big damn bugs, all right? The size of my fist. The size of a peanut butter and banana sandwich.”

BHT is an historical drama about Elvis Presley and his good friend John F. Kennedy and their battle against an Egyptian mummy that is swallowing the souls of their fellow retirement home residents. 

Now, you know just as well as I do that Elvis is alive and well.  But, a much lesser know fact is that JFK is also alive and well.  You see, it was a look-alike that was assassinated.  The real JFK had part of his brain removed and his skin dyed black.

Ok, that’s funny and all, but this isn’t really a “comedy” in the strictest sense.  Nor is it a horror flick.  Sure, it’s got a few chuckles here and there and it’s got an undead monster; but it’s really more of a buddy-cop/coming-of-age movie where the buddies are famous, presumed-dead celebrities who aren’t cops and are already really old…once you see it, you’ll understand.  There’s not a ton of action either, so don’t be expecting much in the way of explosions and car chases and stuff.  But it is an amazingly fun movie.  Great soundtrack, too.

Well, ladies and gentlemen, do we have a special surprise for you or what!  Today’s Styrofoam Canvas is not brought to you by your usual hack artist.  No, today our guest artiste is none other than Gimorozo co-generalissimo Mule!  Yes, that’s actually the name his mother gave him.

This is a beautiful work of art of an Eastman/Laird-era Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle.  The artist really poured a lot of his dark, twisted soul into this masterpiece.  Enjoy!

This may well be the best music video ever.  It is a five minute montage of people getting hit in the face and having things broken on their head.  And the song is pretty good to boot.

If (for some obscene reason) you can’t sit through five minutes of Spanish-sung wanton violence against people (and pigs!), then you owe it to yourself to at least fast forward to the four minute mark.  I won’t ruin it for you, but I will tell you that we love cephalopods here at Gimorozo.

Ok, so I’ve never seen Forever Evil, but after reading the making-of, I really want to.  No, I don’t have high hopes for it, but this is a site dedicated to giant monsters, robots, zombies (and, apparently, mutated poultry).

Reading the making-of also makes me want to make my own z-grade movie…it would probably be about giant poultry monsters led by Ian’s Mom in their quest for vengeance against Evil David and his army of tree-hugging liberals.

No, I don’t know what I’m talking about…

During my Christmas vacation I was playing with Video on Demand, and I discovered this intriguing gem — Poultrygiest: Night of the Chicken Dead. It’s a Troma movie, so don’t expect much.

No, I haven’t watched it yet, but I found the trailer and the website. Now, I’m going to rent it.

The Toxic Avenger, The Class of Nukem High, and Surf Nazis Must Die are enjoyable movies. But like I said…don’t expect too much.

The trailer is from Youtube and NSFW, but the official website has the super NSFW trailer. You have been warned.

Poultrygiest: Night of the Chicken Dead Trailer

If you were a pre-pubescent boy in the 80’s you had a world of gorgeous cartoon women to ogle.  Some cartoon crushes were creepy (Gadget), but most were a thing of beauty.  Gimorozo proudly takes a walk down memory lane.

5. April O’Neil (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)

Ah, April, the brunette reporter who wears a Bruce Lee-inspired yellow jumpsuit.  She’s smart, witty, and always needs rescuing!  Those are the three things that make up every geeky boy’s dream girl.  How many times have you thought, “Man, if only I were a green, talking reptile with martial arts abilities and a cute human reporter for a girl-friend, THEN nobody at school would ever make fun of me!”

If you’re like us at Gimorozo, you’ve probably thought that way more than you should.

4. Scarlett (G.I. Joe)

Ok, so I knew her for the longest time as “the hot one.”  As in: “Let’s play G.I. Joe, I’m Snake Eyes and my girlfriend is the hot one.  You can be Gung Ho and your girlfriend is that other girl [Lady Jaye].”  No, I didn’t have many friends growing up.

As fiery as her hair, Scarlett was the kind of girl you wish you knew, but were a little scared to meet.  She had a crossbow and could easily kick your butt.  Especially if you were a scrawny geek…which you were.

3. Jem (Jem)

What can you say about Jem that her theme song doesn’t already say?  Nothing!  That’s why I’ll let her theme song do all the talking:

Jem…
Jem is excitement!
Oooo Jem…
Jem is adventure!
Ooooo…
Glamour and glitter,
Fashion and fame!

Jem…
Jem is truly outrageous
Truly, truly, truly outrageous
Woo ooo Jem…
Jem
the music’s contagious (outrageous)

Jem is my name
No one else is the same
Jem is my name

2. Cheetara (ThunderCats)

What?  It was the 80’s, man!  There was absolutely nothing wrong with loving an alien cat-woman who could run 120 mph.  Couple her speed with her bo staff and orange leotard and I didn’t even care what the rest of the ‘Cats did!  We all know that she was the real leader of the ThunderCats, anyway. 

And the spots in her hair and on her shoulders only added to her exotic aura.  Meow, indeed!

1. The Baroness (G.I. Joe)

Skin tight leather.

Jet black hair.

Guns.

Librarian glasses.

Exotic accent. 

Nobody before nor since has made evil look so good.  Yes, the Baroness is the fire that fuels every geek’s dark side.

Behold the terror!  Gaze upon the utter horror that is…Son of Blood Freak!  Yes, this is the hideous spawn of last month’s Blood Freak.

Ok, so apparently, Blood Freak’s hideous mutation was not passed on to his son.  He’s actually kinda cute.  He grew up to be a fairly successful concession-stand operator for the Durham Bulls.  Go figure.