So, I had zero insulation under my living room and bedroom floors. I decided to rectify that several weeks ago and bought a ton of insulation and proceeded to insulate.

Now, let me make a few things clear to you: a) I hate small, enclosed spaces and b) I abhor nasty bugs.  So of course, you can imagine what my crawlspace must be like…

Long story short, I got up a ton of insulation and then came upon a couple of the most disgusting creatures I have ever laid eyes on.  In fact, they were so gross that I high-tailed it out of there and decided to come back another day and finish the job.  Well, ladies and gentlemen, today was that day…

So, I woke up early (9ish) and went to my shed to get my tools and the remaining insulation.  I proceeded to my crawlspace hoping that the creatures had slinked off to some other dank recess of the globe.  Unfortunately, they had not.

I’m down on my knees, slowly creeping towards the spot that I had last seen these despicable creatures.  Lo and behold, there’s a large tangle of web with some sort of egg sacks in it–nasty.  However, I see no blood-sucking abominations until I turn my head slightly and there, not two inches from my face, are the eyes of one of these creatures staring into my very soul.

Needless to say, I screamed like a little girl and back-crawled out of there faster than you would believe possible.  I managed to twist my knee quite painfully in the process.

I ran upstairs to my trusty computer to do some research.  What could these creatures possibly be?  Where did the come from?  Why were they hanging out under my house?

The answer was more awful than I could have imagined.

St. John the Apostle came across this very creature himself: “And I stood upon the sand of the sea, and saw a beast rise up out of the sea, having seven heads and ten horns, and upon his horns ten crowns…”  I couldn’t have described these things better myself.

Unfortunately, I was fresh out of holy water and crucifixes, so I looked under my sink for the next best thing: a can of Hotshot bug spray.  Gripping my weapon tightly against my chest, I went back down into the abyss.

I crawled under the creaking house, breathing quite hard, until I reached the spot of our last encounter.  Upon slow, calm surveillance, I realized that there were three of these freaks of nature hanging out together, no doubt discussing their plans for the end of the world.  I carefully got the first one in my crosshairs and pulled the trigger on my can of bug spray–but he was too far away, my jet stream of holy vengeance could not reach.  I had to get closer.

I inched forward a bit more and sprayed for all I was worth.  I held down on that spray button and coated the whole corner with liquid death, knowing that I was the only thing standing between them and the apocalypse.  However, my bug spray only served to aggravate these unholy hellspawn.  They started jumping up from wall to wall.  I continued to fire.  Finally, I crawled out of there again and prayed to God that they would die.  I have yet to go back down into the bowels of the earth to continue my insulation.

I tried to draw a picture for your education.  It was quite good with fangs and evil drool and stuff.  But these creatures are so vile that it crashed my program and I lost the artwork.  You’re probably better off not knowing what these things looked like anyway…