Who’s in it: Catriona MacColl, David Warbeck
What it’s about: A gate to hell, zombies, acid-related deaths (among many other gruesome fates)
Best line: “You have carte blanche, but not a blank check.”
Released: 1981

The Beyond is part two of Lucio Fulci’s “Gates of Hell” trilogy.  It is also the Best Movie Ever!  Do you like crucifixion?  It’s here.  Death by acid?  Got it–twice!  Zombies?  Check.  Acts of violence against eyeballs?  Times three, buddy-boy!  Awful overdubbing?  It’s here.  Loopy plot that makes absolutely no sense?  Got that in spades!  Basically, if there is anything worth seeing in a movie, The Beyond probably has it.  Additionally, it has a whole bunch of freaking awesome posters.

Basic plot is something about a hotel in Louisiana that is built over one of the seven gateways to hell.  Of course, there’s always some moron opening those kinds of gateways.  Evil enters the world, rubber spiders eat people’s faces, dog hand-puppets rip out people’s throats, blind people appear out of nowhere, zombies do zombiific things.  Yeah, it’s pretty evil.

This is one of those movies that you can never really explain to someone who doesn’t appreciate Italian gore movies already.  Many of the special effects are fairly unspecial.  The acting/dialogue/overdubbing varies from distracting to painful.  The plot leaves you dumbfounded.  And yet…and yet there is something compelling about this movie.

I was first introduced to director Lucio Fulci via Zombie (aka Zombi 2 aka Zombie Flesh-Eaters), which will get its own Best Movie Ever! entry someday.  I loved that movie instantly and quickly ran out to find more Fulcirific fun.  Having read much on the internets about The Beyond, I decided that it would be my next foray into the Italian horror genre.

But The Beyond left me puzzled.  I hated it.  Where Zombie has a simple plot that continuously builds until the climax, The Beyond feels like it was pieced together from several leftover ideas that become so convoluted that you can make neither heads nor tails.  Where Zombie chooses its gory set-pieces carefully and deliberately, The Beyond takes a kitchen sink approach.  Where Zombie’s gore pieces are all very convincing, The Beyond’s…not so much.  So, I wrote it off as that inevitable crappy movie that every film-maker is bound to make and went on my merry way.

Oh, but fate had so much more in store for our relationship.  I happened to watch it again some time later and, without any preconceived ideas of what The Beyond should be, I gradually fell in love with what The Beyond is.  Of course, to this day I have absolutely no idea what it is, but I love it none the less.  Watch the trailer below and tell me that doesn’t tug at your heartstrings.

We figured that today would be a great day to introduce a new ongoing series: Best Movie Ever!

Best Movie Ever! movies are the cream of the crop.  These are the movies that every manly man and/or super-geek must see.  We decided that, in honor of The King’s birthday, we would kick things off with Bubba Ho-Tep.

Who’s in it: Bruce Campbell, Ossie Davis
What it’s about: Elvis, JFK, mummy
Best line: (Elvis) “Look, man, do I look like an ichthyologist to you? Big damn bugs, all right? The size of my fist. The size of a peanut butter and banana sandwich.”

BHT is an historical drama about Elvis Presley and his good friend John F. Kennedy and their battle against an Egyptian mummy that is swallowing the souls of their fellow retirement home residents. 

Now, you know just as well as I do that Elvis is alive and well.  But, a much lesser know fact is that JFK is also alive and well.  You see, it was a look-alike that was assassinated.  The real JFK had part of his brain removed and his skin dyed black.

Ok, that’s funny and all, but this isn’t really a “comedy” in the strictest sense.  Nor is it a horror flick.  Sure, it’s got a few chuckles here and there and it’s got an undead monster; but it’s really more of a buddy-cop/coming-of-age movie where the buddies are famous, presumed-dead celebrities who aren’t cops and are already really old…once you see it, you’ll understand.  There’s not a ton of action either, so don’t be expecting much in the way of explosions and car chases and stuff.  But it is an amazingly fun movie.  Great soundtrack, too.