First off, let me tell you: Punisher: War Zone is over the top.  In some cases this works splendidly, in others…not so much.  P:WZ takes hyper-violence into a realm that can only be described as an artform.  This movie is full of beautiful, gory ways of dispatching bad guys (and a few random people as well).  There are decapitations and exploding heads; faces are punched through, necks are run through; throats are bitten, kidneys are eaten; and lots and lots of gun shot wounds are inflicted upon many a mob henchman.

As far as those gun shot wounds are concerned, Punisher is the kind of hero that never misses his target except when it will advance the plot.   His enemies are the perfect corollary to this type of hero: they can’t hit anything except for the good guys who don’t matter to the story.  This is neither a bad thing nor a good thing; it’s just an action movie thing. 

Ray Stevenson (who, oddly enough, is not Ray Stevens‘ son) is the third actor to play Frank “Punisher” Castle.  Not only is he the best Punisher, he also uses the most hair gel of any other Punisher.  He also brings a humaness and grittiness to the role that has been missing in past films.

The big bad in this film is Jigsaw, who is a disfigured Joker wanna-be.  As far as I can tell (not really being a fan of the comics), this is the first time that a villain from the comics has been in any of the movies.  He starts off creepily enough, but by the final confrontation has gone so far over the top that he’s rather annoying.  None of the other over-the-top characters even have the benefit of ever being interesting at any point.  Loony Bin Jim?  Typical case of trying to force the creepiness/quirkiness of a character and ending up with an unbelievably goofy villain.  Detective Soap?  Unnecessary comic relief.  Those three crazy acrobat robbers?  Another failed attempt at quirky villains, but in reality, they are stupid beyond belief–in fact, their leader made me mad.  That’s how ridiculous he was.

In the end, P:WZ’s downfall is that it’s characters are too uneven.  Are they in a gritty crime thriller?  Ray Stevenson is.  Are they in a heart-warming human melodrama?  A few of them try to be.  Are they in a super violent action flick?  The effects department definitely is.  Are they in a comedy?  Apparently some wish they were.  Did I laugh?  Only at the parts that I wasn’t supposed to.

Overall, 7/10.  The action and violence is top-notch.  Ray Stevenson is great.  Everything else, meh.

Who’s more villanous: Zombies or Nazis?  What’s a worse way to die: flesh eaten off the bone or drowning?  These are, perhaps, the two most pressing questions that man has ever pondered.  No longer must we choose, for now, we get all of the above in one undead package!  It’s the ultimate in cinematic horror! 

Unfortunatley, the Aquatic Nazi Zombie Movie is an oft-neglected sub-genre of Zombie filmdom.  We feel that this is a gross oversight in the world that we intend to rectify.  As such, Gimorozo has viewed and reviewed every ANZM known to man.  Read on for enlightenment!

The genre got kicked off with a bang in 1977 with Shock Waves.  It has John Carradine as some grizzly sea captain somethinornother and Peter Cushing as a (gasp!) bad guy.  Freakin’ awesome movie.  The Aquatic Nazi Zombies (ANZs) were created by Cushing to be some sort of awesome ubermench army that could survive underwater (cuz you never know when that might come in handy).  The war (that would be World War II for those of you who didn’t do so well in history class) is long over, and Peter Cushing is living on some island with his creations when some meddling kids stop by and the killing starts.

This movie has some genuinely creepy moments.  There’s no gore, really and most of the violence is off-screen.  This is the gentleman’s ANZM.  8/10.

Ah, but things would take a quick nose-dive in the land of ANZMs…

1980 is the next time that some intrepid filmakers decide to bring man’s greatest fear back to the silver screen.  Zombie Lake is the touching story of a lake infested with Zombies…and lots and lots of naked women. 

This movie is awful.  The acting is awful, the dubbing is awful, the special effects are mind-numbingly awful.  And none of this is in a so-bad-it’s-good sort of way.  Just a so-bad-I-think-I-ruptured-my-spleen-just-from-watching-this sort of way.

However, this movie can be used to illustrate one of the most basic laws of b-movies: if you make a movie that you know is crap, then you must fill it with nudity.  The converse of this law is: if a movie has copious amounts of wanton nudity, then the filmmakers themselves already know that the movie is crap.  This movie is so sure of its soul-sucking craptasticness that it has full frontal nudity BEFORE the opening title.  Wow.  So, if you haven’t gotten the message yet: THIS MOVIE SUCKS.  0/10.

Oh yeah, there’s also some sub-plot about one of the Aquatic Nazi Zombies recognizing his daughter as one of the villagers so he becomes noble or something.  Ugh.

From there, the genre could only go up, right?  …right?  Surprisingly enough: wrong.  One year later, Jess “the king of Eurosleaze” Franco unleashed Oasis of the Zombies on an unsuspecting world.  The zombies in Oasis are not quite as laughably craptacular as those in Lake, but that’s about the only good point this movie gets.  It is slooooow and boring.  In fact, I have never watched this movie to the end (and I own it…don’t ask).  I don’t know how it ends and, frankly, I don’t care.  All I can remember is that it takes place in the desert of Africa, there’s some plot about Nazi gold and there are ANZs.  Yet another 0/10. 

Ok, so maybe there’s a reason this sub-genre isn’t more popular…

Ok, so I went into this thinking that it was some new superhero movie starring Clint Eastwood as a post-Doom Patrol Beast Boy.  Boy, was I wrong!

Turns out, it’s a remake of the 1980 George C. Scott movie (minus the “The,” maybe to be more edgy for today’s jaded audiences?)  The film-makers made some bold departures with this remake, it’s certainly not your copy-and-paste kind of movie.  For starters, they changed George C. Scott’s character to a female (played wonderfully by Angelina Jolie).  Secondly, they put so much makeup on the star of the film, that I didn’t even recognize him.  Actually, to be honest, I’m not even sure which character Clint Eastwood played.  Maybe the police captain?

John Malkovich was excellent as Vincent Price pretending to be a radio preacher; he actually looked kind of like my granddad…weird.

I haven’t seen the original in many years, but I remember a haunted house, which is mysteriously absent from this movie.  But there is an insane asylum.  Like I said, many bold departures from the original.

Overall, it was not what I was expecting, but it was quite enjoyable none the less.  Not for the squemish, though.  Nor is it great for those with small bladders.  It is kinda long and has about 3 endings too many.

Also, “George C. Scott” is a lot more fun to say than “Clint Eastwood.”  (Sorry, Clint).

It sucks–bad.