What can you really say about Monty Python?  They are the absolute funniest act in geekdom.  Or maybe they are the absolute geekiest act in comedy?  I don’t really know, but you’ll be hard-pressed to find a geek who doesn’t love Monty Python.  I’d say it’s a fair bet that we can all quote at least 75% of Holy Grail. 

 So, here we present every geek’s favorite comedians doing a skit about Bruces.

P.S.  Tomorrow we’ll post a real post or two and end our first ever Week of Bruce in style.  I hope you can wait.

Here’s hoping you stay away from the contaminated turkey, lest you become a turkey-headed monster like…the BLOOD FREAK!!!

Since we are a world-famous blog, Gimorozo gets to try out all sorts of new, cutting-edge technology.  The latest trial product we received is the Samsung Time-Travel Phone.  It lets you call anyone in the past or future.  Unfortunately, it doesn’t work on the present.  To try it out, I decided to call myself from 15 years ago.  Below is the transcript from that conversation.

Past Me: Hello?
Present Me: Hey, what’s up?
Past Me: Who is this?
Present Me: It’s me!  Or you…I don’t know, it’s both of us.  That is to say, I’m you in the present, well, actually the future for you, I guess.
Past Me: What?  Is this Tim?
Present Me: No, this is you.  I’m calling from 15 years in the future.
Past Me: Sweet, is this for real?  So I’m working at some cool high-tech place, huh?
Present Me: No…not really.
Past Me: Oh.  So this technology is just used by everyone?  Sweet!  So, you are a marine biologist, huh?  Are you living in an underwater dome or something? That’s awesome!
Present Me: No, I–you never became a marine biologist.  Actually, in a few years, you’ll think that’s kinda dumb anyway.  I mean, who cares about fish, right?
Past Me: Great!  So I do become a paleontologist!  That’s what I really wanted to do, but I thought marine biologist sounded more practical.
Present Me: No…
Past Me: Secret agent?
Present Me: No.
Past Me: Yeah, right.  You probably just can’t tell me, right?  Cuz you’d have to kill me or whatever?
Present Me: No.  Not a secret agent, I–
Past Me: A writer?  Comic books?  Don’t tell me–I’ll bet I write and draw my own monthly series.  Who is it?  Is it U.F.O. [ed note: that stands for Unidentified Fighting Object--he was an alien who defended earth from stuff...]?  That is so cool!  Or is it the Elemental Team [ed note: they all had powers associated with the elements...hey, I was 10]  Mom said that was an unrealistic goal and I had to stay in school.  Ha!  We showed her, huh?
Present Me: No.
Past Me: Or–what?
Present Me: No!
Past Me: Well, then, what do you do?  Do you do anything cool?
Present Me: Well, I do write a blog…
Past Me: What’s that?  It sounds cool.  Pretty important stuff, huh?
Present Me: Actually, nobody reads it.  It’s really more of a hobby…
Past Me: Then what do you do for a living?  Anything?
Present Me: I, uh, I make lawnmowers.
Past Me: …
Present Me: Hello?  Are you still there?
Past Me: Yeah…look, I, uh…I gotta go do…something…
Present Me: Aw, c’mon man!  You just gonna blow me off?  You don’t wanna know something about the future?
Past Me: Like what!?  That I grow up to be a loser?  Way to make my day!
Present Me: Aw, c’mon, loser is kinda harsh, man…Hey, you know what?  Let me figure out the conference call on this thing and I’ll call future-us, ok?  We’ll see what we’re up to 15 years in the future.  That could be cool, right?  Ok, hold on…
Future Me: Who is this?
Present Me: Hey, dude!  It’s me and you!
Future Me: What?
Present Me: It’s you from 15 years ago and I’ve also got you from 30 years ago.  How sweet is that!  So…what’re you up to?
Future Me: Curses!  You’ve finally found a way into my mind!  But how?  I never drank the water!  How?
Present Me: Whoa, dude.  What are you talking about?  I’m you.  I didn’t get into your mind or whatever.  We’re cool, ok?
Future Me: Yeah?  Prove it.
Present Me: …how?
Future Me: If you were really me, you’d know how.
Past Me: Fifteen years ago, you were a dork who made lawnmowers.
Present Me: Hey!
Future Me: …Ok, I guess you are me.  But look, man, this isn’t really a great time, I mean…how’d you even get my number?  I’ve been living off the grid for years now…Oh, no–you’re working for them, aren’t you?
Present Me: Dude, I’m you.  Why would I be working against you?
Future Me: I can’t believe this.  Betrayed by myself.  Are you kidding me?  I betrayed myself?  What a jerk!
Past Me: Who’s “them?”  Am I a freaking criminal?  Are you serious?
Present Me: Nah, I’m sure there’s a logical explanation…right?
Future Me: Kind of…it’s hard to–What?!  Who’s there?  Ah!!!  They found me.  You did this!
Present Me: What?  No, I didn’t.
Future Me: You jerk–I don’t know what you did, but…[to someone in the room] You’ll never take me alive!  Agh!!!!
Present Me: Hello?
Future Me: [different voice on the phone--definitely not mine] We have destroyed your human compatriot.  Turn yourself in, Earthling!
Past Me: Are you aliens?
Future Me: Death to all humans…[phone goes dead]
Past Me: …
Present Me: Wow…hey, look, I’m sorry about that.  Wow.  That sucks.
Past Me: Yeah…look, I gotta go.  Um, don’t, uh, don’t call me again, ok?
Present Me: Yeah, I won’t.  That was a bad idea.  Sorry.  Look, uh, stay in school, ok?  And um…well, I guess I’ll see you later?

This phone sucks.  I definitely do not recommend it.

We here at Gimorozo realize that it is incredibly hard to interact with those of the opposite sex.  However, we have compiled years of research and personal experience into 15 easy tips to attract and keep that special someone.  Here they are:

1. Bathe regularly.  Weekly does not count as regularly enough.
2. Don’t wear your Masters of the Universe t-shirt on your first date.  Yeah, I’m talking about the one you’ve had since high school with the pit stains in it.  We all think it’s awesome, but she won’t.  Actually, don’t wear it on any date, unless you want it to be your last one.
3. McDonald’s is not a date.
4. Don’t quote “Holy Grail” or “Napolean Dynamite” or any other hilarious movie.  She won’t get it.
5. If inviting a girl (or anyone, really) to your place, tidy up a little before hand.  This includes hiding your 1/8 scale Slave Leia statue.  I’m sure it’s the pride of your Star Wars collection, but it just sends the wrong message.
6. It’s ok to be close to your mom, girls find that kinda sexy cute.  Just don’t be creepy about it.
7. She might think it’s cute to pretend you’re a robot (on occasion); but it’s never cute to pretend you’re a flesh-eating zombie.
8. If she’s into foreign films, it’s ok to mention that Lucio Fulci is your favorite director.  You might even get points for knowing an Italian director that she’s never heard of.  But leave it at that.  There’s no need to mention that you love him because of the gut-munching zombies and copious amounts of T&A.  Girls aren’t into that.  At the same time, never try to over-intellectualize zombie movies; you’ll ruin it for the rest of us.
9. She only like robots because you do.  That’s ok.
10. Once a month she will turn into an crazy doppleganger of herself.  Rest assured, she has not been possessed by aliens or replaced with a cyborg killing machine from the future.  This transformation is completely normal and temporary.  Science is still looking for a cure.  Much like a lycanthrope, she may have no recollection of her rampage and the pain she inflicted while in her beastial stage.  You cannot understand this, but you are not alone.
11. Don’t be over-critical of her romantic comedies; you still watch cartoons.
12. If it gets to the point that she says “I love you,” do NOT, under any circumstances respond with “I know.”  She will not think that you’re a charming space rogue who can make the Kessel run in less than twelve parsecs; she’ll think you’re an inconsiderate jerk.
13. Twin Ion Engines, warp coil, Death Stars, goombas, Mines of Moriah, rabbit hole, moons of Endor, and tribbles are not acceptable terms when referring to a woman’s body.  Likewise, light saber, Glamdring, battlestar, megabuster and Terminator are not acceptable when referring to yours.
14. She has absolutely no preference between Kirk and Picard.  Accept this.
15. Be man enough to apologize when you’re wrong; it’s ok to say, “I’m sorry.”  But never, ever apologize for your geekery.

It is a question that many of us have asked over the years.  Jeeves was the lovable, stereotypically British mascot for www.askJeeves.com for a number of years.  But, in February 2006, he disappeared without a trace.  What happened to this chipper valet?  Gimorozo felt the need to answer this burning question, but be warned, intrepid reader, the answer may chill you to the very core.

Jeeves was born in Gloomy, England in 1943.  He went to valet school and studied servitude and crumpets.  He had a vast knowledge of absolutely pointless information and the words “Ask Jeeves” became something of a catchphrase in England.  He caught his big break in 1996 when an American company decided to base a website off of his immense knowledge.  Then, in February 2006, tragedy hit.  Jeeves was on a visit back to jolly old England when he caught food-poisining from improperly prepared tea.  Sick and confused, he ran through the fog of London and was hit by a trolley.  Somewhat hurt, but not nearly dead, he picked himself up and checked himself into the local hospital, there he discovered that he had a rare strain of the Ebola virus.  He died three weeks later and was cremated. 

Or so goes the official story.

The truth is much darker still.

“Jeeves” was not his real name, he was born Co Brahko Mander to Afghani immigrants in Australia.  He started a life of petty crime and eventually started his own terrorist organization: Bra Co.  His good friend and sometimes mentor, Destro, helped him rearrange the letters into a much more imposing terrorist name: Cobra.  For years, he waged a war upon the good citizens of Earth using incompetence and cartoon lasers.  Unfortunately for him, GI Joe was there every step of the way to thwart him. 

After spending the 80’s and early 90’s having his behind handed to him by the Joes and then being humiliated by getting turned into a snake or something stupid like that, Co Brahko Mander changed his name to Jeeves and moved to the US.  Luckily for him, he quickly found work.  His new bosses could not tell the difference between a high-pitched, vaguely snake-like accent and a British accent and he was hired as the new spokesman for a revolutionary new search engine: AskJeeves.com.

But, in 2006, he began to feel the desire to wage his war against 3 3/4 inch action figures once again.  Behold, Jeeves, or as we all know him: Cobra Commander!

 Alright, boys and girls, this is it: hard-hitting journalism at its finest.  Our crack team of international reporters and carefully placed moles have uncovered the below top secret napkin from the cafeteria of the House of Representatives.

Now, it’s no secret that the economy is in the pooper these days.  One of the biggest expenses is oil and we here at Gimorozo Fuel Labs are hard at work to find a solution.  Apparently, so is our government. 

At first glance, it doesn’t make a lot of sense, but we’ve contacted our contacts in Washington and gotten a bit of an explanation.  The plan is to drill for the oil that is under Alaska; however, in an effort to keep those pesky tree-huggers from rioting, the government is going to drill down in Canada and then across to those oil-rich sub-Alaskan caverns.  Because, let’s face it, nobody cares about Canada–not even the tree-huggers.

BUT, if all that oil is pumped out from under Alaska, there will be nothing to hold Alaska up, and that great state will collapse under the weight of all that snow and moose feces.  And if Alaska were to collapse, it would rob the world of the great crops of Eskimo Pies that are grown out there year-round.  That is why the second phase of the plan is to pump dead Canadians into the newly empty Alaskan underground.

This will, of course, become a self-sustaining and never-ending cycle.  After a few years, the dead Canadians will become fossil fuels just like the dinosaurs and we can pump them out to fuel our vehicles and pump in fresh bodies.

As you can see, part of the plan is to get Oprah as a spokesperson for the cause.  She is a noted environmentalist and has more influence than just about any other living person.  Our sources are still trying to determine who the mysterious “Josh” is.  Is that one of our Representatives?  We’ll keep you updated.

Never trust a man who refuses free food.

It should come as no surprise that all of us here at Gimorozo have done our fair share of time at Sing-sing.  That is to say, the Big House, the Slammer,  Prison.  As such, we figured that this How-To would be a great way to start things off.

Step 1: Go to Jail.  Go directly to jail, do not pass Go, do not collect $200.
      In today’s society, the easiest way to go to jail is to be a criminal.  Quickest way to become a criminal?  Illegal file-sharing.  If you upload one song, you are a Pirate.  Pirates have been feared and loathed for centuries.  This, my friend, is your ticket to the criminal high life.
      Now, you can’t go “sharing” just anybody’s music.  Many independant artists have absolutely no problem with getting free publicity.  No, you must target out-dated and irrelevant bands for this to work.  Bands comprised of 40-somethings who are still holding on to their glory days as the  kings of 80s metal tend to be good targets.  If you are especially daring, I would recommend bands that start with “M” and end with “etallica.”

Step 2: Become the Leader of the Pack.
      Now that you are in jail, you have to become the inmate that everyone looks up to and respects.  Best way to get respect in jail?  Arts and Crafts.  Teach the inmates Origami and/or soap-making.  You will become popular and respected almost overnight.

Step 3: Smuggle in a hacksaw.
      Baked into a pie works best.  Obviously, you will need outside help for this.  They usually don’t allow you to bake pies in prison, but you should have several followers on the outside since you are a pirate.

Step 4: Use hacksaw to cut through the bars.
      Whatever you do, don’t make the mistake of eating the pie.  It will take at least 24 hours for the saw to make it through your digestive system.  You don’t have time to waste.

Step 5: Escape.
      A rocket launcher would come in handy here; procure one if you can.

Step 6: Move to a deserted island in the Caribbean.

Step 7: Repeat as necessary to keep up your criminal credibility.

I just saw Juno for the first time tonight (I know, I’m slow) and I’ve got to say, I’m a little scared for geekery.  Sure, the movie wasn’t terrible, but it was self-aware and ironic, much like all good indie flicks must be.  So, what scares me is that one of the characters is geeky–he likes Herschell Gordon-Lewis movies, he collects comic books, etc. 

BUT, not only is he geeky, he is also indie-cool–he plays guitar and likes Sonic Youth.

DOUBLE BUT, not only is he geeky and indie-cool–he is also attractive and rich and married to Jennifer Garner.

So, what’s the problem?  Well, I’m glad you asked.  In the past decade or so, “Geek” has gone from being a put-down to a new form of ironic complement.  The mainstream has latched on to all things Geek (did you see any of the blockbusters this summer?).  But in doing so, the mainstream has softened it.  We used to be a band of outcast brethren.  Now, we’re a viable pop-culture minority that the Man is pandering to.

I don’t think it is at all a positive thing.  It’s late at night and I can’t quite form a coherent argument as to why this bothers me so much.  It’s not just Juno, I’ve been noticing it a lot recently…why are people in movies so self-consciously geeky?  Geeks in the wild are too caught up in the objects of their affection to be self-conscious.  What makes us geeks is that we don’t realize how geeky we are until someone points it out.

Maybe it is a good thing that we are no longer society’s outcasts, but even so, I must leave you with this warning: Beware the wolves in geek’s clothing.