Sucks.

This may be the worst movie I have seen this year, and I just watched Transmorphers two weeks ago.

This movie totally reconfirmed my decision to never own a pet that is too large for me to punt across the room should the need arise.

Last night, Mrs. Gimo and I had dinner with some friends.  Somewhere in the course of the conversation my wife uttered these words that made me shed a tear of joy: “Actually, since being married to the Gimo, I’ve come to appreciate Arnold Schwarzenegger as an actor.”

I swear, someone must be recording my dreams or something.  How else to explain these two awesome movies?

“Ninja Assassin” is actually my middle name…ok, minus the “assin” part.

And “Kung Fu Cyborg” will be the name of my first child.

PS. How’d you like that clever title to this post?

Transmorphers is another classic from The Asylum.  It’s an amalgamation of Terminator, Star Wars, The Matrix, and (obviously) Transformers.  It is basically all the awesomeness of those series raised to the power of infinity.

Actually, it’s not that good.  I had to watch it in two sittings.  But that’s probably because it was too rad for my brain to handle all at once.  The story focuses on a bunch of humans living underground and fighting a group of alien robots that apparently came out of a Playstation 2.  The humans have advanced weaponry made out of PVC and spray paint and have much better aim than the machines.  In fact, it made me wonder why they didn’t just initiate a full frontal attack centuries ago, but who am I to judge?  It does have a mildly surprising twist.

As a side note: apparently cows thrive underground.  Humanity has been living underground for hundreds of years, yet all of the characters are clothed in brand-new black leather jackets.

The acting ranges from awful to passable and the storyline is carved out of Swiss cheese.  That’s a clever metaphor simbolizing that it is cheesy and full of holes.  I am pretty clever.  I once told someone I was like a ninja, but that wasn’t a metaphor.  It’s the truth.  I once killed a whole army of KGB cyborgs with a frisbee and a can of hairspray.  But that’s neither here nor there.  What is here AND there is the trailer for this mess masterpiece.

Last night, Mrs. Gimo brought back a movie from the RedBox. She was so excited because she knew it was a movie I would like to see. And she was right, but for the wrong reasons. The movie? The Day the Earth Stopped NOT starring Keanu Reeves. This gem of a movie is one of many exceedingly low budget attempts to capitalize on a blockbuster movie. The studio in question is The Asylum and they apparently make a lot of bank duping the well-meaning wives of movie geeks the world over. A random sampling of their other movies: Transmorphers, The 18 Year Old Virgin, 100 Million BC, AVH: Alien vs. Hunter, Snakes on a Train…the list goes on.

Click the jump for more on this classy film. (more…)

So, there’s rumors of a prequel to Alien, which has the internets a-buzzin’.  I love Alien and Aliens.  In fact, the only reason that neither made it to The Manly Movie Checklist is that the protagonist is a girl, but I digress…

The point is: I don’t want to be a nay-sayer or anything, but I feel it is my obligation to point out that 66.6666667% of the Alien movies suck.  That’s cold, hard math, people.  And math doens’t lie…I’m just sayin’.

I am often stopped by total strangers in the street and asked, “Good sir, however could I achieve the level of manliness that you exude?”  And of course, I can’t possibly tell them all of my tips in a small amount of time.  The first step is to watch manly men do what they do best–kill stuff.  So, for your edification, I have developed this checklist of the 20 movies you must watch before you can call yourself a manly man.

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If you are here, chances are you have a deep and abiding appreciation for Crap Cinema; that is to say, B-movies.  But…why?

Is it the lack of coherent storylines that you enjoy?  Perhaps it’s the shoddy acting or the awful, rubber monster suits that keep you coming back for more.  Maybe you just enjoy scratching your head and wondering what in the world these people were thinking when they made this movie.

Click the jump for more on my theory.

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Yeah, I’m going to be lazy and just link to someone else’s hard work.  It’s just what I do.  I’m super busy, what with my plans for world-domination and sumo-wrestler training.  It’s a rigorous schedule.

So, without further ado, the link: link.

Yes.  I know you all have been clamoring for the next installment of this exciting series for eons now.  Daddy does not disappoint!  Behold: Godzilla vs. Hedorah aka Godzilla vs. the Smog Monster.

This is one of those Godzilla films with a message.  And that message is: “Pollution is bad.  Godzilla love you long time.”  I, for one, totally disagree with that message.  If pollution is so bad, then how come I’m not a starfish?  And if Godzilla loves me, then why would I watch his stupid movies?  I want to see him destroy Tokyo, not save the world (sorry Japan.)

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