Have you seen anything as beautiful as this trailer?  I didn’t think so.  I hope to track this one down and add it to my collection of high-class films.  I wonder if it’s out on blu-ray yet?

“A shuriken is certainly an excellent instrument to fix a man’s attention and to inflame his ambition.” -President John “Don’t call me ‘Quincy’ or I’ll rip your arms off” Adams

John Adams was a prominent member of the first American ninja death brigade known as “The Founding Fathers.”  During the American Revolution, Adams killed 326 redcoats.  In one day.  With his bare teeth.  He was also instrumental in the writing and adoption of the Declaration of Independence, the document that declared the United States a “free and independent country for the advancement of Ninjaism and all Ninja-related activities.”

The two most defining features of Japanese culture are ninjas and odd poetry (the third being cartoon characters with big boobs).  Being the culturally relevant site that we are, Gimorozo has decided to combine those first two features into one article that may well change the course of human history.

We have commissioned three senryū from three different ninjas.  These works are intended to give the non-ninja a look into the world of the ninja.  They are presented below in their raw and brutal forms.  There has been no censorship nor editing of these works of art.  Please proceed with caution, as they are not for the faint of heart.

In case you are not as cultured as we are, we will tell you that a senryū has a very similar structure to a haiku, but it tends to be more personal and not about nature.

Without further ado, the senryū:

I am a ninja
I will kill your stupid face
With a shuriken

Ninjas eat pirates
For a mid-afternoon snack
And fish for supper

Ninjas are so freakin’ hardcore
That we can do whatever we want
Tell me this isn’t a senryū and I will hunt you down
Don’t mess with me, I’m a ninja

Everybody knows that ninjas are the highest-ranking of all humanity.  In fact, the first 17 presidents of the USA were all ninjas.  It was also a prerequisite for joining the priesthood in the early Catholic church. 

However, most people do not realize that there is a strict hierarchy of ninjaism.  We have compiled that hierarchy for your education:

Ninja Animal: Ninja animals are the lowest rung on the ladder of ninjaism.  But, even within this division there are subdivisions based on animal type.  Rabbits are at the bottom and turtles are the highest ranking of the ninja animals.

Ninja Cannibal: Mostly found in the jungles of Central and South America, these are cannibals who use rudimentary ninja skills in order to hunt their prey.  Since their main focus is on eating people and not on honing their ninja skills, they are fairly clumsy.  The most common defense from these types of ninjas is to cover yourself in feces, as it completely ruins your taste.

Just Plain Ninja: Definitely the most common type of ninja.  The Just Plain Ninjas mostly live in Japan.  In fact, the word “JaPaN” is an acronym for Just Plain Ninjas with a couple of vowels thrown in to make pronunciation easier.  1 out of every 3 Japanese people is a ninja.  The other two are ninjas-in-training.

Cannibal Ninja: No, that is not a typo.  The Cannibal Ninja differs greatly from the Ninja Cannibal in that he focuses most of his energy on his ninja skills.  He absorbs his enemies’ powers by consuming their flesh.  He also has a steady regimen of vitamins and dietary supplements.

Space Ninja: These are ninjas from space.  Depending on where they come from they may have an assortment of additional powers such as super-strength, super-hearing, heat vision, ice breath, flight or any combination of the above.  They are usually susceptible to radiation given off by green rocks.

Cyber Ninja: Cybernetically Enhanced Ninjas, more commonly known as “Cyber Ninjas,” are ninjas that are cybernetically enhanced.  As with many of the classes in this list, there are several subclasses.  The weakest subclass is the Pacemaker Ninja.  The strongest subclass is the Rocket Launcher for Arms Ninja.  If facing one of the latter, there is nothing you can do but soil your pants and die.

Undead Ninja: Also known as Ninja from Beyond the Grave!!! (exlamation points are mandatory), these are ninjas that were dead but have come back to life.  They can either be resurrected to make right whatever agony and sorrow they carried with them to their grave, or they can be resurrected through voodoo to collect overdue movie rental fees.

Undead Cybernetic Cannibal Space Ninjas from Beyond the Grave!!!: Although one has never been spotted in the wild (at least, that anyone has lived to tell about), some mathematicians theorize that the existance of such a ninja is possible given the right environment.  Of course, such a creature would be so deadly that it could destroy civilization just through sheer will power.

If you’re a swamp dwelling ninja like me, you have major issues with oxidation on your instruments of death.  Luckily, we ninjas now have Evapo-Rust.  As you can see, this product will remove rust from your ninja stars and your firearms!  Sweet!

Oh, Evapo-Rust, where have you been all my life?