A good friend is someone who will help you dispose of a body at 2am, no questions asked.

Conversely, a crappy friend is someone who will ask you to help them dispose of a body at 2am, no questions asked.

Bringing a can of whoop-ass to a bar fight is all well and good.  Just don’t forget your can opener or you’ll be looking pretty stupid.

You can’t be an environmentalist and an evil genius.  You have to make a choice: save Mother Nature or take over the world and turn it into a post-apocalyptic reflection of your barren soul.

You know who you are *cough* Evil *cough* David *sneeze* *cough*

I’m sure you’ll make us all proud.

There are two kinds of movies in this world: Zombie movies and movies that just aren’t worth watching.

Make friends with slow, lazy people (that is to say slower and lazier than your own geek butt) and hang out with them often.  You never know when the zombie holocaust will begin, but it’s best if you’re around people who can’t run as fast as you.  This will keep the zombies occupied.  Also, these unathletic friends will have a harder time catching and eating you once they’re turned into unathletic zombies.

Bacon is proof that there is a God and that He loves us.  Very much.

There is such thing as a stupid question.

Lie down with zombies, get up without brains.

Don’t believe anything a potato tells you.  After all, you can’t spell “stupid” without s-p-u-d  (not in that order, of course).

Don’t eat boogers.  Unless you have enough to share with everybody.