We here at Gimorozo realize that it is incredibly hard to interact with those of the opposite sex.  However, we have compiled years of research and personal experience into 15 easy tips to attract and keep that special someone.  Here they are:

1. Bathe regularly.  Weekly does not count as regularly enough.
2. Don’t wear your Masters of the Universe t-shirt on your first date.  Yeah, I’m talking about the one you’ve had since high school with the pit stains in it.  We all think it’s awesome, but she won’t.  Actually, don’t wear it on any date, unless you want it to be your last one.
3. McDonald’s is not a date.
4. Don’t quote “Holy Grail” or “Napolean Dynamite” or any other hilarious movie.  She won’t get it.
5. If inviting a girl (or anyone, really) to your place, tidy up a little before hand.  This includes hiding your 1/8 scale Slave Leia statue.  I’m sure it’s the pride of your Star Wars collection, but it just sends the wrong message.
6. It’s ok to be close to your mom, girls find that kinda sexy cute.  Just don’t be creepy about it.
7. She might think it’s cute to pretend you’re a robot (on occasion); but it’s never cute to pretend you’re a flesh-eating zombie.
8. If she’s into foreign films, it’s ok to mention that Lucio Fulci is your favorite director.  You might even get points for knowing an Italian director that she’s never heard of.  But leave it at that.  There’s no need to mention that you love him because of the gut-munching zombies and copious amounts of T&A.  Girls aren’t into that.  At the same time, never try to over-intellectualize zombie movies; you’ll ruin it for the rest of us.
9. She only like robots because you do.  That’s ok.
10. Once a month she will turn into an crazy doppleganger of herself.  Rest assured, she has not been possessed by aliens or replaced with a cyborg killing machine from the future.  This transformation is completely normal and temporary.  Science is still looking for a cure.  Much like a lycanthrope, she may have no recollection of her rampage and the pain she inflicted while in her beastial stage.  You cannot understand this, but you are not alone.
11. Don’t be over-critical of her romantic comedies; you still watch cartoons.
12. If it gets to the point that she says “I love you,” do NOT, under any circumstances respond with “I know.”  She will not think that you’re a charming space rogue who can make the Kessel run in less than twelve parsecs; she’ll think you’re an inconsiderate jerk.
13. Twin Ion Engines, warp coil, Death Stars, goombas, Mines of Moriah, rabbit hole, moons of Endor, and tribbles are not acceptable terms when referring to a woman’s body.  Likewise, light saber, Glamdring, battlestar, megabuster and Terminator are not acceptable when referring to yours.
14. She has absolutely no preference between Kirk and Picard.  Accept this.
15. Be man enough to apologize when you’re wrong; it’s ok to say, “I’m sorry.”  But never, ever apologize for your geekery.

Hi.  I like monsters.  I like commercials starring monsters.  Some of my favorite monster-based commercials are from the good people at Jack Links Beef Jerky.  When you say their name ( and you should ) try to sound like one of the Duke boys jumping a ravine in the General Lee escaping from the likes of mean ol’ Boss Hog and the incompetent law enforcement of Hazzard county.  There is a company website and if you have not seen it yet click the following link:  Messin with Sasquatch.  It includes all of the TV spots as well as web-only content.  Yes.  I am selling out.

Another favorite commercial is for Pepto Max.  It has a catchy theme song and stunning visuals.  According to the commercial, “Pepto Max is maximum pink.”   I checked IMDB and “Maximum Pink:  the movie” does not exist.  There was nothing naughty or nice.  Though it is only a matter of time.

The appeal of this commercial is that it encompasses 2/3 of the GIMOROZO triumvirate of evil — Giant Monsters and Robots.  If Zombies were involved this would be the perfect commercial.  In fact, the Pepto people should consider using Zombies in an upcoming ad campaign.  Email me.  I got tons of ideas.  It can be done tastefully.  Everything could be acted out with puppets.  Puppets are harmless…if you ignore the following movies:

• Dolls
• Puppetmaster Series (Full Moon Entertainment not the Heinlein one)
• Any of the Child’s Play series
• Meet the Feebles
• Additional movies about demonic puppets or evil dolls.

Maximum Pink.  If the link does not work, search YouTube.

I mentioned the Dukes of Hazzard above, so I feel the need to add the following words of caution.  Do not watch “Dukes of Hazzard:  The Beginning.”  My sister’s dog committed SEPPUKU after watching this garbage.  This shit will kill you.  It even made Netflix sick.  You were warned.

“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…and zombies eating our brains.” -President Franklin Delano Roosevelt

FDR delivered this famous quote in his first inaugaral address in 1933.  America was in the clutches of the Great Depression and zombiism was running rampant throughout the Dust Bowl.